You. You there. You are Emperor of Rome. You are the twinkest of them all. You hang upon the wall. (Like Sarah Kane. (You wish.)) You are a woman. You are ahead of your time, ahead of all time. You serve him above, Elagabalus, the god by whose name you will be forever remembered as the most disgusting of all Roman Emperors. Yes, worse than Caligula the bollock-chewer, Nero the mother-shagger-killer, worse even than that limp pontificate Marcus Aurelius.

‘They say he lived an unbelievably disgusting life.’ (Some dullard on the internet.)

‘The worst of Emperors, he took to the taverns in lipstick and wigs and plied the trade of the lowest women.’ (Some dead cis-het white boy.)

‘Zoticus, the charioteer slave, was another husband of this woman.’ Dio, a CONTEMPORARY SOURCE.

Meet Varia. She’s a teenage girl TRAPPED IN THE BODY of the twinkiest Roman Emperor there ever darn was. She’s really quite mentally ill.