Congratulations on your new role! We look forward to welcoming you and your fellow drones to our friendly corporate megafamily at this induction.

Stand up comedians Sam Wilkinson and Emma Crossland present a frankly overambitious multimedia capitalist fever dream. It's perfect for anyone who's ever wondered why all companies have to have a stupid "our values" section on their website nowadays.

Your friendly charmless welcome team will lead a very serious corporate session, covering vital topics like company history, your place in our grand plan (sorry, "strategy") and why there definitely hasn't been an evil monkey in a fez manipulating world events for the past 400 years. 5% business, 95% stupid jokes. Possibility of moustaches.

Attendance is mandatory.